Dream of a Tree

Years ago I dreamt I married a tree.  Was it a dream?  It stayed with me for so long. I still tell people about it and think of it at times.

I wonder why a Pine tree and not a Maple, an Oak or a Chestnut tree.  Instead of a fruit tree or something that's an obvious favourite, I chose a tree so prickly and toxic that nothing can grow beneath it.  Pine trees are peaceful, quiet and determined.  They live long, evergreen lives and grow tall, sweet smelling and strong.  With all their faults, nothing can compete with a Pine tree- and I'm still in love with mine.

As a child we used to go to a magical place on the top of the Ashdown Forest where there is a naturally occurring perfect circle of pine trees interspersed by two of those trees that grow in graveyards- what are they called? The ones associated with ancient magic and witchcraft... Yew trees.

I used to play in this circle for hours with my brothers and friends.  We played a game of catch in which you were safe if you touched a tree, but could be caught at any other time.  It was thrilling and frightening for me as my brothers where much older and could run faster than I could, so I had to be very careful not to be caught.

My mother tried to get us to leave as the sun was setting and the long shadows crept cold, dark, fingers towards us, but I cried and held onto a tall slender tree so they had to pull me free physically.  I felt so attached to the atmosphere of those trees and the fun we were having.  I never wanted to go home.

As a student in a London University I was working hard and struggling with difficult housemates and the new stresses of independent life.  

One day in the thick of a depression I got in my battered Ford Fiesta and drove three hours to the top of the Forest to that circle of trees, bypassing my mothers house without thinking of stopping. When I got there I sat in the sun beside a tall slender tree for hours, then felt a strange urge to pee in the centre of the circle- just to leave something of me there...I'm glad nobody was around.  I was surprised by this urge and laughed at myself before getting back in my car and returning to my London life feeling strangely rejuvenated.

It was later in life I had that dream.  My love life was empty and shattered, I was tired and bereft of joy in life and all I really liked to do was sleep.

In my dream I was living near a forest, and crept out at night to sit beneath a favourite tree.  I could feel the vibrations of life in the tree, and found the gentle, intoxicating smell comforting.  

One night with no moon I was crying for some cruelty or other, and felt a hand on my shoulder with long gentle fingers comforting me.  I turned, and in the dark could make out a tall willowy man with gentle eyes.  He told me he was with me, he understood my pain and he loved me.  We held each other and swayed in the breeze...I could smell his gentle pine fragrance, feel his strength wrapped around me, and I wholly knew I had loved him forever.

When I had to leave that place, he couldn't come with me. I didn't understand why he couldn't come and make a life with me.  I was confused and tried to persuade him, but he just looked at me with big sad eyes and disappeared.

Every night I would sit beneath the trees and wait for him, and when the night was coldest and darkest he'd come and wrap his arms around me and I'd feel the purity of his love.  There was no doubt he loved me completely.  I felt no concern at his daylight absence, but told him I missed him and he said that when I missed him I should come here and sit beneath my favourite tree...he was there with me.  I could talk to him in the day and he'd hear me.  

One morning, as the beams of dawn light crept through the canopy I watched him grow and stretch, his limbs becoming woody and needles blossoming from his hairs.  His feet and toes stretched down into the caked earth and he sighed with relief like he'd been so hungry.  I sat beneath him with my back to him as I'd done so many times before, and he whispered to me of his love and our children.