Leaving Addiction Behind

This human mechanism we are given can function in an unimaginable myriad of various ways, dependent on another myriad of conditions.  What is important is not what our bodies and minds do, but what we identify with as ‘me’ and ‘mine’.  The qualities we admire and respect in ourselves need encouragement, and those which cause stress in the long term need less and less attention until we can wean ourselves off  them completely. 
However, it is important to realise that unless we are the lucky creatures who get an awakening experience which really blows conditioning out of the water, then conditioned behaviours take time, effort and continuing presence of mind to change.  This can be compared to turning an oil tanker: Just because you decide to turn around doesn’t mean you can immediately go the other way; certain requisites are necessary- certain actions must be taken in order for the change to take place, and then time must be allowed for the turn. 
Kindness, and realising the limitations of our ability are essential to keep in mind.  What is kindness in any given situation?  Kindness is not always soft and gentle- it can also be tough and decisive.

For example, stopping a complex addictive tendency like smoking took more than just the decision.  A strong compulsion to stop was necessary, a thorough realisation of the drawbacks of smoking (such as; the unpleasant smell, the unnecessary cost, the pressure on my lungs, the time spent thinking about and acting on the drive to smoke), an awareness of the sensations created by and causing me to smoke was a big help, and then some positive behaviours which were incompatible with smoking- such as going running, a drive towards health and fitness, and a meditation practice which focuses on the breath and heart opening.

Also to know that the stopping is not just an initial drive to get through a week of cravings then relax, but a commitment to making the decision not to smoke now, and potentially to continue making that decision forever.  This needs to be a soft and flexible decision, with the awareness that at any time it is possible that I could, and am even likely to smoke, and that if I did I would greatly increase the intensity of cravings following that lapse.   

This is kindness.  Although there are times during the process that my addicted mind would have me believe that to not smoke was unkind.  For example, a stressful situation arises such as an argument or clash with a person, or a circumstance which is difficult to handle, and suddenly it seems like withholding my desire to be destructive is less kind than allowing myself to be.  The messiness of life seems a clear indication that any attempt at restraint is unkind.  This is a trick of the mind which must be brought into awareness and fully realised.  Otherwise my addicted mind will have me chuffing away in the flash of a lambs tail.

One of the many occasions of quitting smoking was just such an incidence.  This was a conjoined effort with my boyfriend in which we gave up together, supported each other through the initial cravings, and then one day he left me.  I came to meet him at work and he broke up with me- there in the street in central London.  It was ugly and messy and I was heartbroken.  That night I went to a party, got drunk and started smoking again.
Then there's the mind-made myth that smoking is enjoyable.  This was a twist which got me back into it many times, each time persisting through a process of stinking, energy draining, time consuming pointlessness.

Each and every time I gave up was different, with differing reasons for quitting, and differing reasons for starting again. Each time reinforced the last until finally the time came when enormous pressure, difficulties and problems could come and I still would not smoke.  I really don't think it's likely, after so much work, that I would go back there- but you can never be totally sure.
There's always that imp on my shoulder.